I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without talking to Him since we became Master and pet. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s really just a waiting game now until our lives slow down again.

Thankfully, I at least have the plushie He gave me for my birthday. So at night, when I miss Him, I can cuddle the plush, and it’s like He’s still around in some small, indirect way. So there’s that, at least. :)

Not getting to talk with Master for so long at a time is really getting to me. He’s become such an integral part of my life that not having our evening chats makes me a very sad puppycat. :(

I miss Him.

It’s been a long time since I first started tinkering with the notion that, in addition to being a submissive, I might also be a masochist. I always sort of enjoyed the idea, but for the most part, it’s only ever been a passing thought, mostly because I haven’t had the opportunity to explore that facet of myself. The other day, that changed.

When I was cleaning up my room, I happened upon an old glowstick from a concert I attended some years back. It’s roughly the length of a ruler and a little thicker than a pencil, so my first thought was, “This looks like a switch I’ve seen in BDSM photos. Kind of short, but still a switch.” My next thought was, “I wonder how it would feel if I smacked myself with it?”

I get curious. It’s in my nature. I can’t help it.

That first time, after experimenting with the makeshift switch’s weight and force of impact on bare skin, I gave myself ten quick strikes to the inside of my right thigh. I didn’t give it all my strength, only a fraction, and I walked away from it slightly sore, my skin red under my clothes. The marks left behind were faint, but I could still feel them every so often when the fabric rubbed up against my leg, reminding me of how sensitive that spot had become.

I think what surprised me most was the rush from receiving those strikes in fairly quick succession, the way my stomach twisted into knots while I counted up, so focused on my task that I wasn’t entirely sure what I felt. In the few seconds it took to reach ten strikes, my body was working on auto-pilot, just so I could get up to the number I wanted.

When I finally reached ten, I just about dropped the implement and curled up. The delayed sensations of those strikes hit me all at once, turning the dull ache from each slap into one long, slow wave of heat starting at the site of the pain and working up to my core. It nearly overwhelmed me, and once my heartbeat had slowed again, I had to stop and consider whether or not that rush had been good or bad.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the pain was good. Really good. The sensation of release after experiencing those short bursts of pain put me in this blissful state once it was all over, and it was all I could do not to go back for more. Even though the pain had come from my own hand, the whole thing made me feel incredibly vulnerable. Like I had just exposed every nerve. As a submissive, vulnerability is something I’ve come to embrace. It’s a lovely thing, one that grounds me, gives me focus, and helps me center. The vulnerability I experienced in the wake of that pain gave me that sense of peace.

My first attempt at self-inflicted masochism was brief. Only a few minutes. But I think those few minutes gave me a taste for it…

So, I’m just going to sit here, drink red wine, and look at porn until He gets back from work.

I’d like to know why my sex drive seems to be spiking, even when I’m sick and feeling like absolute hell.

.___.

it seems that my sex drive is going back up. The chronic lack of sleep kind of brought my libido to an all-time low, which made me a very sad puppycat indeed. Now that I seem to be getting more sleep, the drive is back. Yay~ *giggle*

The only downside is that I had to sacrifice a lot of nighttime chats with Him to get that sleep in the first place. What good does a sex drive do me if I can’t be naughty?! .___.

I’ve noticed that since my return to Tumblr, I’ve put a lot more emphasis on sex in the things that I blog/reblog. Or just sexuality in general. To some degree, I’m still trying to figure out why that is, but in the meantime, I can only assume it has something to do with learning to accept myself a little more. I owe a big part of that to officially recognizing my gender status, my sexuality, and the roles those two elements play in my life.

It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been in this really awkward stage of uncertainty about myself. Struggling with anxiety certainly doesn’t help. The one thing that’s remained constant, however, is my inclination for submission, and I’m pretty sure that that has played a large role in figuring out who I am, what I want, and what I need from sex and relationships. In a nutshell, my ability to confidently submit myself to another person has opened up the floodgates, and for me, there’s really no going back from that.

Master tells me sometimes that submission comes to me naturally, and I think He’s right. I’ve tried to Dom a few times before, and while those attempts weren’t total catastrophes, I took absolutely no pleasure from them. Submitting to another comes much more easily, and now that I think back on my first sexual experiences as a teenager, it’s probably always been that way. In some form or fashion, I think I’ve always been certain that I wanted - and needed - to submit, and embracing that has allowed me to be more honest about the things that get me hot or send me running.

I wouldn’t say that I was completely repressed before this, but I certainly wasn’t this accepting of myself and my wants, whether because I was afraid to want something that edged on the taboo or simply concerned about my physical limitations. Talking has helped a great deal. Up until recently, I’ve been so cloistered in general and closeted about the specifics of my sexuality. But now that I have the opportunity to open up and discuss these things, whether with my Master, my therapist, or even my new friend, I find that I just… feel lighter. About everything.

Accepting myself has made me a much happier puppycat in general.

Just got done with an awesome workout. I don’t know what it is, but something about spending X minutes running on a treadmill makes me extremely horny when I get home. :/ Even when I’m exhausted. Especially when I’m exhausted…

So, I’m seriously considering getting nipple piercings.

Just thought I’d put that out there.

I need to follow more blogs that feature hot gay guys, but I’m not sure how to find them…

I feel like I’ve been neglecting to put down my thoughts as much as I’d like. Not really for anyone else’s benefit, just for mine. Time to fix that, I think.

After I packed up my life in Arizona and moved out here to Florida, it threw me and Master off our usual rhythm. Now that I’m here, He’s six hours ahead of me instead of nine, and for a while there, the drastic change in time zones prevented us from talking to each other every night. I was exhausted. I was busy. I’d be running from place to place just getting everything sorted out, and by the time I got home, I sometimes wouldn’t have the energy to do anything but email Him before bed.

It really stressed me out.

Even though we can’t physically be in the same room yet, I look forward to hearing from Him every night. I like knowing that at the end of a long day, whether things have gone very badly or very well, I’ll have Him to confide in. It’s comforting. It’s something that I’ve had for about a year now. A whole year. Not having that for a few weeks was nothing short of devastating. I would wake up some days not knowing if I would manage to stay awake until He was finished with work, or if I would just miss Him.

One night, when we only had two short hours to talk, I actually fell asleep in the middle of our conversation. On a few other occasions, I would nod off for a few seconds and be completely disoriented when I came around again. That’s how bad it was.

And now, finally, we’re getting back into a rhythm. We don’t have the same length of time every night as we used to, but that’s okay. I don’t need things to be exactly the way that they were. We’ve both made drastic changes to our schedules, and they’ll take a while to get used to. There’s no getting around that. Just as long as I can wake up tomorrow knowing full well that, at the end of the day, I’ll get to talk to Him again.

I’ve come to rely on that. Master is such a source of structure and support for me that I really don’t want to go without Him for any longer than I have to. Knowing that He’ll be there at the close of every day makes me a happy puppycat.

firstsin:

My puppycat is back online, after having to spend some time away from the net.

I must confess I missed him something fierce, although I know there is now a slightly different situation. I am looking forward to watch him grow and get out more, experience the world around him, reaching out to others more and staking new goals for himself.

It is an exciting time, one I wish to see unfold.

A new part of life started for my pet.

I’m so happy that Master is being so supportive of this move, even if it’s made a few things more difficult for us. Without Him to lean on, I’d have gone crazy during the moving process.